Log in

February 2009

Powered by LiveJournal.com
so pretty

cesnarose in writerreference


I'm dyslexic, so I have problems with grammar sometimes. But I've already used spell-check and stuff so I got the really obvious, glaring, painful stuff. And also, I AM looking for constructive criticism, but not a flame... not that I think any of you would do that, I'm just saying... this is my baby, not that I think it's the best but it would be like you attacking a child of mine. That being said, I open to you "Serladeca: [insert yet to be decided upon subtitle}"!

No matter what way she looked at it, she couldn’t tell if this place was the beginning of time or the end of time.

Below her, blue, swirling about. Close enough to smell it, but completely out of reach. To her left, rippling cerulean. Right, tiding azul. Above, dripping Mediterranean. The landscape seemed to be green screened onto her, and someone forgot to give her something to walk on. But the walking went just fine. With all of the suffocating blues, breathing didn’t even make sense. Oh well, might as well explore while she was going to be here.

Either way, the cerulean blues washed about her as if a giant screen were all around her, reflecting the oceans surface. Ripples, no waves. Maybe it was a pool instead. Not a steady surface visible to walk on, but the walking went just fine. This was all a little funny. Tucking away a piece of her fuzzy brown hair, she walked around in this water world. The thoughts, ‘Where am I?’, ‘What did I eat last night?’ and ‘Wonderful. How am I going to get home before lunch?’ all crossed her mind more than once.

Huh. That’s great. Some light in the distance. Two orbs of unreliable light. Flickering. Waiting. Slowly getting larger. Maybe there was some sort of this thing called distance in this waterlogged world? Fingers moving through her hair a little too much, she approached.

Like a piece of popping corn, the lights approached her as well. Because she felt pulled towards them, as if they were meant to be together. They were the same color as her shirt, after all, a creamy white. Her favorite color. Goes with everything.

“Allo!” One of the lights proclaimed. “Glory, I presume?”

“You ‘presume’ everyone is Glory.” The other light sneered.

Now, you have to keep in mind that our ‘she’ that we’re dealing with was normal in every faucet of the imagination. If it weren’t for the mental breakdown she had upon first entering this in-between world approximately six hours ago, she would be completely freaking out that two pieces of the sun were talking to her. Perhaps relief set over her from being able to interact with something. Perhaps curiosity tickled her. Perhaps she was just bored. Whatever the reason, she did not scream or faint or run away.

“Glory? I don’t know anyone named Glory.” She said. The two lights spun around. Beth’s eyes followed their trail. She tilted her head to the side, hands fidgeting about now.

“See? I told her that you shouldn’t even ask. It’s not like we’re going to find her.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Make me!”

Sparkles of light exploded off of the two creatures, one at a time, to reveal their true form. Little people! Fairies, she would assume. They both bore completely black butterfly wings, and were about a ruler’s length tall. A heavy chuckle came forth from the she. A boy fairy and a girl fairy. The boy was the one who mistook her for Glory. So it seems, anyway.

“Excuse me.” The two stopped fighting for a fleeting moment to bore their eyes into her. “I don’t know a Glory, but my name is Beth. I was wondering if you knew a way to get out of here.”

The boy placed a fisted hand to his feminine, yet still handsome, chin, while the girl placed an open palm on her heart shaped face. Beth locked her fingers together while she decided to inspect them.

The boy bore a brightly colored orange tunic. His wing beats were faster than his sisters. More intense. More focused. She couldn’t tell the color of his eyes, for he was so small. His arms were so small that she could probably break them by placing her forefinger and thumb and pressing. His pants were like gi, baggy yet practical, she noticed while he tapped his foot to the water like air around them. Black, simple, slip on shoes adorned his feet.

The girl fluttered casually about, a far-off look in her completely round eyes. Her hands on her face constantly, her complexion lighter than her brother, curls rolling about her face. Oh, those ears! They started normally from the bottom up, but then as they emerged, it was as if someone grabbed the tip and pulled directly away from the face, ending it in a rounded point! Beth looked back to the boy quickly to see if he had the same ears.

Yes. He did. Her eyebrows dove down on her face. Hands still interlocked. The two creatures seem uninvolved in her reactions to them. A heavy wisp of a breath tore way into the calm air from her mouth. The boy giggled.

“Well, Beth, I think that you should come with us. Maybe you can help us solve a little problem.”

The girl fluttered too close to Beth’s face, making her lean back. “Yes! We have been-“

“I get to explain the problem this time!” The boy pierced his sister with a glare. She rolled her eyes.


“Now, as I was saying, we have a problem.”

A stagnant silence.


The boy shook his head and continued. “We need to go home. We’ve been here for a very, very long time.”

Beth tilted her head backwards slowly, and then brought it forward. Got to think about this. She was as stuck as they were.

“I don’t know if I can…”

“No, we know where it is! We’ve only to yell the name of our world.”

Beth opened her mouth to scream the name of hers, but the boy screamed first.


Above them, a shard of light hit them. Opening up, it revealed the image of something that looked like a globe… but not one that Beth recognized. The continents were all wrong. Spinning slowly, revealing exactly four large masses. Two green, one grey, and another one near the top white. Beth awed for a moment at this new sight, but quickly the fairy’s interjections started.

“See, we can’t decide which one is our home.” The boy started.

“Our continent is one of the two green ones. Faelana and Xersfaba they’re called. We’re from Faelana. And see, a democratic vote doesn’t work very well when there’s only two fae’s involved.”

Startled, Beth gaped at them. “You’ve been stuck here for goodness knows how long over a stupid vote?”

“Take a gander. Ara thinks Faelana is the big one, but I tell her it’s the small one because…”

He continued talking, but Beth stopped paying attention. Could be because the boy mentioned it first, but she focused on the large continent. Shaped like a zigzagged, backwards ‘L’, she could almost feel like she could see more detail the more she gazed on it. The projection even seemed to slow down so she could look at it longer. For the most part, anyway, this land was green. However, there was a gray blot in the middle of it all. Oh, how this one made her stomach sink and rise and turn all at the same time. When it was out of sight due to the turning cycle, she blinked out of her trance.

“So which one?” The boy asked.

“Oh, sorry. Um, the big one.” When it came back on, she pointed to it. “Now what?”

The girl plunged up and hugged Beth around the neck. “Thank you, I knew that was the right one!”

The boy thrust his wings, and if he were talking, his voice would be raised and his face would be turning different colors. His voice would be strained. However, he remained silent, and his face did slightly turn a reddish color.

“Oh! Before we go to Faelana, you should know our names!” The girl made a strange chirping sound. It took Beth a moment to realize she was laughing. “My name is Ara, and that is my brother over there, Flamini. Nice to meet you.”

Flamini made a sound not so different from grumbling. Beth relaxed her hands to fold them behind her back, an awkward smile coming forth.

“Well, nice to meet you too. I guess we’ll be traveling together.”

Ara ascended to the globe above them in pulsing beats, not so different than stair climbing in a way. “I just hope you know how to hide well! Hope you don’t become a slave.”

Before Beth could digest the information that Ara gave to her so casually, Ara, as she called herself anyway, impulsively thrust her hand forward to a piece of the large continent, making her brother squawk. And then, as if gunpowder had been in a large circle underneath, a light began to trace itself around them. Slow enough to give Beth reason enough to jump out and search for her own world, but not enough time for her to actually escape and do what she wanted. Not like anything this interesting was going on in her world anyway.

When it completed itself, the circle shone up a bright light. A light that tugged both Beth and Flamini upward to join Ara. While Flamini hardly was fazed by the upward climb, Beth found herself off balance and squeamish.

“Woah, woah, w-WAIT, STOP, I WANT OFF.”

The last thing she saw before shooting upward was a snide little smirk on Flamini’s youthishly handsome face.


Very well written

First I would like to say that for you being Dyslexic, you write wonderfully. Honestly, I don't see anything very grammatically wrong.

First off, something about the first paragraph (well the one with the color reference) kind of threw me off. Mostly because it overwhelmed me. I love to read though so it didn't really put me off for long, but someone who has trouble getting into books may have a harder time getting into the story with it. The imagery is splendid, and I can definately see and feel what Beth is going through.

I do want to see where this is going though!! You have me very intrigued and I hope you continue to grow with your baby.

I'll probably read it somemore/again when I have a bit more time, but from what I see now through this first read through, I can't catch anything wrong except for that first overwhelming paragraph. But, honestly, if you want your readers to feel as overwhelemed as I feel Beth is, then stick with it. But if you don't want that to be the goal, you might want to tweak it.